Cheating partners

Employing the services of a private investigator to establish if your partner is cheating or being disloyal is always a difficult decision; but not knowing is often more difficult.

If your partner is being unfaithful or deceitful then you certainly have the right to know. If they are not then you need proof in order to regain peace of mind.  It is only by having the facts that you can either confront your partner or get on with your life if the results prove otherwise.

In some cases you will be sure your partner is being unfaithful or at best lying to you and you just need physical proof before you can confront them.

We can help, if only to eliminate your doubts, which will surely ease your burden and anguish.

JFA Brisbane offer a friendly, discreet and sympathetic approach to all inquiries.


Finding out the truth is a Five-Step-Process

Step 1.         Become better informed.  If you are uncertain about the infidelity, or would like to know more about what you can do and how to go about it, we suggest you start with reading the material below.

Step 2.         Make a decision.  You will need to decide whether you would like to know if your concerns are valid, and/or whether you need solid proof / video evidence of the affair.

Step 3.         Timing.  Timing is critical (and can keep your costs low).   Almost every infidelity matter usually comes down to surveillance.  If you can already pin-point the days and time-frames when you believe your partner might be seeing another person, then those days/times should be when the surveillance is conducted.  Contact us with details of the days/times and the suburb where surveillance is to commence.  We'll get back to you with a firm all-up price of conducting that surveillance.

If your partner's away-time is too erratic and cannot be easily pin-pointed, you will need to give consideration to some of the information gathering options described below - such as GPS tracking.  This is a far more cost-effective method for being able to pin-point locations and time-frames than manned surveillance.

Step 4.         Contact us.  Contact us and we will work on a viable strategy to provide you the information you need ... and finally some peace of mind.

Step 5.         Stay calm and keep everything "normal".  This is critical.  Do not give you partner any reason to suspect you are curious about them.  This is detailed below under the heading, The BIGGEST mistake you can make.


Thirty Five (35) Signs of Infidelity

The following are some typical signs of a cheating partner or infidelity. On their own, they do not mean your partner is definitely having an affair. They are simply pieces of a puzzle that might represent an overall picture or a pattern of conduct.  But, they also mean you have a valid reason to be concerned.

Have you noticed:

1. A sudden increase in time away from home or longer work hours.
2. Deviations in their daily routine.
3. A general change in how your partner behaves - particularly around you.  They treat you differently.
4. A decrease or increase in sexual interest.
5. A request for a new type of sexual activity.
6. Demonstration of a new sexual skill.
7. Your partner is often distracted and day dreaming.
8. Your partner no longer wears a wedding ring.  He / she says they lost it, or something similar.
9. Your partner avoids talking about certain people and changes the subject.
10. Greater interest in their personal appearance - wardrobe, grooming, personal hygiene.
11. A purchase of new and 'different' underwear.
12. You discover your partner has a new PO Box.
13. They are often “unavailable” while at work.
14. They want to attend social events alone.
15. Mobile phone calls to your partner are not returned promptly.
16. Your partner leaves the house or goes to other rooms to talk on the telephone.
17. Your partner uses the computer alone and secretly.
18. They ask about your schedule more often than usual.
19. The mileage on their car is incorrect for their alleged travel distances.
20. Their clothes smell of perfume or cologne or there is cigarette smoke on their clothing when there shouldn't be.
21. Hair on their clothing that does not match in length and colour.
22. Unexplained payments on bank statements.
23. Unusual ATM withdrawals, often at locations that are inconsistent with their alleged whereabouts.
24. The passenger seat have been moved - indicating a new passenger has travelled in that vehicle.
25. Your partner has more cash on hand without accountability.
26. Mobile phone bills contain calls with long duration.
27. Unexplained receipts in wallet or purse.
28. Unexplained purchases of gifts - e.g. flowers or jewellery.
29. Suspicious phone voice-mail messages or "wrong number" calls.
30. Suspicious mobile phone numbers stored or dialled.
31. Your partner has a new and unexplained mobile telephone.
32. Internet web browser history list (this is a record of web sites visited) contains unusual sites (or is always blank - meaning it is being regularly erased).
33. Your partner has begun to use a new or free e-mail account.
34. Your partner is suddenly deleting e-mail messages or text messages.
35. A significant over-reaction (often resulting in an argument) when he/she is queried about some of the above items.

The BIGGEST mistake you can make!

The biggest mistake you can possibly make is to confront your partner before you have done an investigation. You should NOT let your partner know you are suspicious. He/she is already being secretive and hiding the truth from you. If you tip them off it will make it harder to find the truth.

If you asked them straight out they will deny it absolutely and, if you really think about it, they don’t have a choice. If they are not cheating on you, they have to deny it. If they are cheating, but they don’t want the relationship to end, they will deny it because it will either kill the relationship or badly damage it - something they don’t want. If they are cheating and they plan on leaving, experience tells us that they will lie to you until the very last moment for one of two reasons; the person they want to be with is not 110% committed to be with them indefinitely, or they feel that they cannot get divorced due to monetary concerns or a religious one. In short, there is almost no opportunity for the truth to come out on its own and if it does, the timing is completely controlled by the unfaithful partner.

The bottom line is that if he/she knows that you are onto them they will go to even greater lengths to cover their tracks, making it even more difficult for you to find out the truth.

So, what next?

Despite popular belief, most lying and cheating does not get discovered because a suspicious partner is good at reading his or her partner’s behaviour.

Typically, romantic partners get caught in one of two ways: -

Accidental discovery

In most cases, deception and infidelity are uncovered by mistake. A partner decides to come home from work early, a third party accidentally reveals the truth, an e-mail exchange thought to be deleted pops up on the screen, and so on.

Monitoring a partner

Surveillance, on the other hand, is an attempt to discover the truth by monitoring a partner’s behaviour without his or her awareness. If you're dealing with a cheating boy/girlfriend, an unfaithful fiancé/fiancee, or a cheating spouse, surveillance is almost always needed to get at the truth.

Monitoring a spouse is an effective and reliable way to find out the truth.

The first thing that you will need to do is decide what you are trying to accomplish.  Do you want to know?

• Where he/she is spending their time?
• Who he/she is talking to on the phone?
• What is being said on the phone?
• What text messages are being sent back and forth?
• What he/she is doing at home when you are not there?
• What he/she is doing on the computer?
• Who he/she is getting emails from and what do they say?
• Do you want biological evidence of the affair?
• Do you want video or photos of them together?

The following will explain how to make a good start on getting the information you need.

Start with the basics

Keep a journal of your partner’s reported activities. Write down the times, dates, places, other people involved, excuses given, etc. The journal will become invaluable as you compare what’s said with phone bills, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals, talking to other people, etc. A cheating partner is likely to change his or her story, or question your memory, so keeping a record of everything is critical.

Keep track of all incoming phone calls. Record the time and, if possible, the number of all calls.

Go through the trash, wallet, purse, pockets etc., when they are not around. If your partner is going to restaurants, bars, movies or anywhere else with their lover there will be receipts and they will want to get rid of them. Many times they will get sloppy or hurried and throw them in the trash at home or hide them in their wallet or purse. If you find anything that is suspicious or cannot be explained, write down the details and put the receipt back where it was found so that he/she does not get suspicious.

Keep track of your partner’s mileage, receipts, credit card statements, ATM withdrawals (unaccounted for cash), phone records, etc.

If you can, check your partner’s call log on their mobile phone. Look for an unusual amount of phone calls. Keep in mind cheating spouses often store their lover’s phone number under someone else’s name: a friend, a co-worker, etc.

If you find anything suspicious, do not confront your spouse until you're certain you have enough evidence to get a confession.

Think for a minute about how your partner might try to dismiss your accusations (e.g., we were just joking around, I was just flirting, it was a misunderstanding, we are just friends, nothing happened, etc.). If you can anticipate how your partner is likely to respond, you can try to gather the evidence you need to counter what he or she says.

The most important thing to remember here is to be diligent in uncovering evidence. Take detailed notes and save everything.

Spy equipment

A skilled and experienced investigator will be able to give you good advice on whether certain spy equipment might be suitable for your particular situation. The following equipment varies in both effectiveness and price. Whilst using a particular item of equipment might seem ideal, the legalities of its use often need consideration.

GPS tracking equipment

Equipment is available that can track a person or vehicle in either real time or on a historical basis, i.e. data is downloaded from the unit revealing when and where they have been. The equipment can be an effective way to obtain additional information about where a person has been.  However, in most cases it is used to provide additional information so that subsequent surveillance can be better targeted and expenses reduced. 

Computer monitoring

A lot of books and websites suggest going over their partner’s internet browsing history, recycle bins, deleted emails, etc. will tell you what their partner is doing on the PC and with whom they may be communicating. However, without using the right PC spyware or equipment, this often does not work. Most people today are computer literate enough to know how to get rid of the evidence on their computer. It is very easy to do and only takes seconds. Unless your partner just gets sloppy this usually won't help.

There is a huge amount of PC spyware available on the web.  What works?  What doesn't?  If you feel this is the best initial approach for your situation, contact us and we will recommend the right program for you. 

Text messages and phone calls

Many people having an affair will communicate through their mobile phones, often via SMS text messaging.  However, a careful person will also be sure to delete all sent and received messages and clear their phone logs.

There is phone spyware available that can monitor all SMS texts and calls.  Need advice of what will work the best in your situation?  Just call us. 

Video and audio recordings

Video and audio devices can be set up to monitor activities inside a residence.  However, doing so in most cases is illegal.

Gathering biological evidence

Let's say your partner was out all night and you suspect he/she may have slept with someone else. There are now services and products available that can check clothing for the presence of semen.  Contact us for more information if you feel this is something that might be helpful in your situation.

Catching them in the act

Catching a cheating partner in the act (meaning sex) is very difficult and something you probably don't want to put yourself through anyway. In most cases the best you can hope for is to catch them together. This is best achieved through the use of manned surveillance after all the lead-up information has been obtained.

An ideal way of keeping your surveillance costs to an absolute minimum is to have the surveillance focussed on a narrow time-frame. The fewer hours spent on surveillance, the greater the savings. This should only be done after the careful collation of all possible information and evidence concerning your partner’s activities.

If there is still some doubt as to the likely time frames of impropriety, you could create an opportunity for your partner to see the other person. You could make plans to go out of town on "business" or to visit relatives – when in reality you go to a hotel room or stay with a trusted friend. Let your partner know of your “plans” well ahead of time so he/she can make their plans. If you are using the right methods you might even know what their plans are.

You could also pick a fight with him/her. During this fight, try to push the right buttons. Say things that may hurt his or her ego and self esteem. You know your partner better than most so you will have to figure out what to say. At the end of the fight, you storm out saying you are going to stay at your best friend's house for the night or that you won't be home until late. The idea here is to give him/her a window of opportunity in which to see his/her lover and the need to boost his/her ego. A potential problem here may be that your partner's lover may be married or have a boyfriend and cannot get out on short notice.

Conclusion

As you can see there are many ways to go about catching a partner in their lies and deceit. Technology has come a long way in recent years, often making it easier and less expensive to gather information.

You might even need to use a combination of the methods described here. For example if you found out through an email or text message that your partner’s lover was going to come to your house while you were at work, you could have an investigator take video of their arrival and subsequent departure, or you could even set up a hidden camera.  There are many combinations of methods that can be used and a skilled and experienced investigator is the one to best advise you on your choices.

Remember, most people will deny, deny, deny. Make sure you have all of the evidence you need before confronting your partner.

Contact us to discuss your particular situation and the best ways of getting you the truth and peace of mind.

Additional help and resources

5 Steps to healing the hurt of infidelity

Infidelity Expert - Stephany Alexander

Beyond Affairs

Relationships Australia